Over the last few years, a realization has dawned on me that my life has become like that of a fly in a spider’s web. As the years pass, some people are smart or fortunate enough to be able to release themselves from strand after strand of their own life’s webs. Others, less smart than them or less lucky, wind up more embroiled in the spider’s web of their own lives than they were earlier.
One of the latter group is me. Although I have never wished, nor will I ever wish for my life to be exchanged with any other, I occasionally see the simplicity, perhaps in my own mind, of the lives of some of my friends or colleagues. For most of my life, I have lived either for others or for causes. It was hard for me and still is to put myself ahead of others. Tragic, but true. But the realization that my life may end while I am still in a spider’s web of traps and obligations haunts me now.
Freedom! Now there is a word that also haunts me. Not in a sad way, but in excitement and an anticipation that does not look like being fulfilled anytime soon. I yearn for freedom from expectations from me, most of all. I yearn for freedom from the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” This is because my life has basically become a tiresome treadmill. I have become the nucleus of a being that is travelling, but the nucleus is static and stagnant.
I have to remind myself time and again to be thankful and count my blessings. I do count my blessings and often. But then the human mind is not uni-dimensional. It thinks on multiple planes and concurrently too. So, in one predominant dimension, it thinks of Freedom. Freedom from life, because without life there is no feeling, and without feeling there is no pain. This QED needs no further proof!
One day Freedom will come to me. Whether it be of my own will, or whether it happens perchance I cannot say. But it will happen and soon. That is the hope that keeps me going. Wishing for Freedom is hard for others than you to understand, because they are not in your body and mind and do not feel or see the angst I feel. Is it a coward’s way out? Perhaps, but cowards are humans too. I may be too cowardly to keep on living, but I am honest enough to admit this. And I do it openly.
I know I will face a great deal of flak and negative reactions to this Blog Post, but honesty is better than hiding these feelings. I do not feel any regrets for writing this. And I will not answer any questions about why I wrote what I wrote. But once in a while, one must open one’s heart to the world and show what is behind one’s killer smile. N’est ce Pas?